Eighteen years old, looking around at my life feeling defeated because of what I had become. On the outside, I looked like the model child, whereas on the inside I was a rebel that desperately wanted to be seen, heard, and to feel loved. Grappling with addictions I could not and at that time did not want to shake or leave behind. Feeling desperately alone and unwanted; I continually cried out to God asking that if He was able to see me that He would send someone to rescue me from the pit that I had been trapped in for years. This rescue came a few years later in the form of a woman from church who encouraged me to get away from it all. I left for service a very broken young girl, but God knew that this experience was the place of refuge I needed to be able to heal and reconcile with my past.
God has never ever left my side or made me face a situation alone. Even in situations where my innocence was compromised in a way that would put a mark on my heart that would never completely disappear, even then He was there. He is and was always good, even when in of all my pain I ran away from him and tried to drown my sorrows into things of this world that could never give the return they offered. I battled addiction for years; yes even then He loved me, chased after me, and wanted me to be His child. This is something I marvel at today, the never-ending love of God. Even amidst our brokenness and lack of desire for Him, He still loves continually.
Since that day at 18, God has brought me so far. I was in service for 16 months and that was a time of major growth and healing. Two years after being in service I started doing intensive counseling. We dug into my past and learned where my patterns of addiction had emerged from, I learned ways of going to God as a source of comfort rather than the path my brain had been taking for so many years, we prayed through the strongholds that were binding my life. Counseling is hard and sometimes painful, but it was a crucial part of my journey that brought me to a place where I am emotionally healthy and actually able to move past the things that have been done to me that I could not control as well as learning to deal with my addictions.
There are still days when the enemy can get ahold of my emotions and feelings, but I am better equipped to combat him and not allow him to run away with my thoughts and actions as he could at one time. With abuse and addiction, you have to look at how far you’ve come and not solely focus on how far you have yet to go.
As I am now 24 and I know I am still very young; I look back on my life and marvel at what God has done. I would never want to relive some of the things from my past, but God is bringing so much good out of all that pain. God has used every single event in my life whether good or bad as a stepping stone to bring me where I am today. He has not only redeemed my life past and present, but He can also do the same for you. The power that rose Jesus from the grave is living inside of you, all it takes is a surrendered life and a willingness to be used by Him. He is chasing you, wanting all of you. I am living proof of what He can redeem.
Today I am on a journey to earning my Bachelors degree in Psychology and one day, Lord Willing, hope to get my Masters and become a licensed therapist. I hope to work with young girls and women who have struggled with addiction or sexual abuse. In our day and age, there is a massive need for this, especially within the Mennonite community. I want to be for some young woman what I desperately needed when I was a teen.
You have never come so far that God’s love cannot reach where you are and redeem the circumstances of your life. The scars may always be there, but let them be a reminder of how far God has brought you.
Psalm 40:2-4
2. He drew me up from the pit of
destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
3. He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.
4. Blessed is the man who makes
the Lord his trust,
who does not turn to the proud,
to those who go astray after a lie!
2. He drew me up from the pit of
destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
3. He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.
4. Blessed is the man who makes
the Lord his trust,
who does not turn to the proud,
to those who go astray after a lie!
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