Freedom within Connection

God created humans to crave connection with others, he created us to desire and long for a relationship with Him and those in the world around us. So often when addiction is wreaking havoc on the life of an individual connection is the thing their heart is crying out for; the lack thereof is the driving force behind the addiction. The thing that keeps them from running toward that connection with others and Jesus, is shame. 

Shame is a huge motivator to shy away from connectedness that relationships can bring. Being vulnerable and open with someone else about the things you have done or feel on a consistent basis feels unthinkable. Although this feeling of being completely and utterly alone may be the thing that pulls us towards the addiction and keeps us there way longer than we want to stay; being open and honest with someone seems too great a risk to take. 

Friend, if this is you and you are running away from relationships and community in fear of the vulnerability this requires. I encourage and plead with you to find someone to confide your thoughts and feelings with. Shame is a tool that Satan uses to remain in control of your life, actions, and emotions. He keeps you believing that you are the only one that has ever dealt with this particular circumstance and that there is no one who could ever love you in the broken state that you are.

I am here to tell you; vulnerability is the liberation that your soul is craving for in this moment. It is written upon your heart to desire community and relationships. Having depth, closeness, and sharing in relationship is what your Creator desired for you and your life. Although reaching out to someone and admitting that you messed up and continue to have this grip upon your life that you alone are unable to shake may seem to be worst case scenario; friend, that is a lie straight from Hell. Satan does not desire for you to live in freedom and he will feed you any lie that he can to keep you from running to the arms of your Savior. 

If a habit that is continually showing up in your life brings you constant shame and anxiety, chances are it is from the devil as a snare to keep you from an unhinged freedom in Christ. Reach out to a therapist, pastor, or friend that you trust. You may be surprised at what you find in that conversation, but don’t let it stop there keep going. Build a community those who will keep you accountable to your actions and decisions. 

Remaining in freedom can seem overwhelming at times and may not feel worth the struggle; but oh, it is so worth it all. It took time to wire your brain to crave this way of life, it will take time to rewire it into a healthy pattern of desires. You cannot do this alone. You will need Jesus, time on your knees, and community.

Redemption

Eighteen years old, looking around at my life feeling defeated because of what I had become. On the outside, I looked like the model child, whereas on the inside I was a rebel that desperately wanted to be seen, heard, and to feel loved. Grappling with addictions I could not and at that time did not want to shake or leave behind. Feeling desperately alone and unwanted; I continually cried out to God asking that if He was able to see me that He would send someone to rescue me from the pit that I had been trapped in for years. This rescue came a few years later in the form of a woman from church who encouraged me to get away from it all. I left for service a very broken young girl, but God knew that this experience was the place of refuge I needed to be able to heal and reconcile with my past.

God has never ever left my side or made me face a situation alone. Even in situations where my innocence was compromised in a way that would put a mark on my heart that would never completely disappear, even then He was there. He is and was always good, even when in of all my pain I ran away from him and tried to drown my sorrows into things of this world that could never give the return they offered. I battled addiction for years; yes even then He loved me, chased after me, and wanted me to be His child. This is something I marvel at today, the never-ending love of God. Even amidst our brokenness and lack of desire for Him, He still loves continually.

Since that day at 18, God has brought me so far. I was in service for 16 months and that was a time of major growth and healing. Two years after being in service I started doing intensive counseling. We dug into my past and learned where my patterns of addiction had emerged from, I learned ways of going to God as a source of comfort rather than the path my brain had been taking for so many years, we prayed through the strongholds that were binding my life. Counseling is hard and sometimes painful, but it was a crucial part of my journey that brought me to a place where I am emotionally healthy and actually able to move past the things that have been done to me that I could not control as well as learning to deal with my addictions. 

There are still days when the enemy can get ahold of my emotions and feelings, but I am better equipped to combat him and not allow him to run away with my thoughts and actions as he could at one time. With abuse and addiction, you have to look at how far you’ve come and not solely focus on how far you have yet to go.

As I am now 24 and I know I am still very young; I look back on my life and marvel at what God has done. I would never want to relive some of the things from my past, but God is bringing so much good out of all that pain. God has used every single event in my life whether good or bad as a stepping stone to bring me where I am today.  He has not only redeemed my life past and present, but He can also do the same for you. The power that rose Jesus from the grave is living inside of you, all it takes is a surrendered life and a willingness to be used by Him. He is chasing you, wanting all of you. I am living proof of what He can redeem.

Today I am on a journey to earning my Bachelors degree in Psychology and one day, Lord Willing, hope to get my Masters and become a licensed therapist. I hope to work with young girls and women who have struggled with addiction or sexual abuse. In our day and age, there is a massive need for this, especially within the Mennonite community. I want to be for some young woman what I desperately needed when I was a teen.

You have never come so far that God’s love cannot reach where you are and redeem the circumstances of your life. The scars may always be there, but let them be a reminder of how far God has brought you.

            Psalm 40:2-4

2. He drew me up from the pit of 

destruction,

    out of the miry bog,

and set my feet upon a rock,

    making my steps secure.

 

3. He put a new song in my mouth,

    a song of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear,

    and put their trust in the Lord.

4. Blessed is the man who makes

    the Lord his trust,

who does not turn to the proud,

    to those who go astray after a lie!

               -  English Standard Version (ESV)

Merry Christmas

This year has been a year of much growth and busyness. I started taking classes this fall at a local community college hoping to one day get my Bachelor's in Psychology. That has been so much fun getting to know the ropes of how college works.

This is a field of work that God has been pushing me towards for many years. Although some of the steps to get to where I am today I could not have said at the time, was actually God leading me where I am today. I am so thankful that we are unable to see the future, because I probably would not  be where I am today. This year has been a rollercoaster of decision making and having to dissect my feelings over and over again. But it has been really good for me as it helped me to know where I stand on a lot of topics.

In the beginning of July I started seeing a therapist for some issues from my childhood. I have the conviction that if I want to go into the field of helping people, I need to open those wounds and take care of them so that they heal so that I can effectively help others. That has been very painful but beneficial in my life and has brought up things from the past that I had forgotten but situations that had a major impact on decisions I made. As they say in the world of psychology. Hurt people hurt people, but healthy people help people.

You know how when God asks something of you he never demands or forces a response, but patiently waits while you process and make the decision. I am so thankful that I serve a patient God. Because if he would have been pushy about the decisions and places he wanted me to go, I would have done the rebellious thing and I would have went ahead and done the exact opposite of what he wanted.

So many times people ask me how I can make a decision based on the peace I feel in my heart. This is my answer. When one has an intimate relationship with God and has daily conversations with him about situations he guides and provides according to His will and you as a child of His will KNOW if this is where He wants you to be.

So this is a bit of a random post and not exactly what I had envisioned to write, but I hope that you will find some encouragement from it. And I also hope to do better in updating it next year!
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

My God is an Awesome God

Philippians 4:7 KJV

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

The last couple of weeks have been very stretching and filled with much uncertainty, but I can say with the utmost assurance that my God is alive and faithful and He cares deeply about all my needs great or small! Even amidst all the questions of “why now” He assures me that with every circumstance He asks me to walk through, He has an amazing plan and purpose that even though I can’t see the reason now, someday

I will be able to and it will be marvelous!! So no matter what life holds for you right now always remember, God is faithful and He loves

 you more than you can ever fathom here on earth!!

Maintained Purity

                            Purity

Love me, love me, love me, God calls us to an intimate love relationship with Himself. He is our creator, redeemer, and friend. He created us with the intention to have a relationship with Him! He loves us dearly, so much so that He sent His only son to die so that we no longer have the barrier of sin separating us from Him.


Holy, Holy, Holy, He is a Holy God who can have absolutely no part of sin whatsoever, that is why He commands us:

15 But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation;16 Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy. -1Peter 1:15-16

this is where the relationship part comes in and why it's so important. As long as we are in our mortal bodies we will never be able to be perfectly Holy, but as long as we constantly walk in the light of our Father's grace and forgiveness, when He looks upon us we are white as snow in His eyes. Relationship is SO important.

Then comes the life of surrender, obedience, giving up what the I wants, and giving my life over to what He wants for my life. Surrender is hard, it means counting the cost. Am I willing to pay the price surrender to my Heavenly Father's will is going to cost me? It means handing all my anxiety, fear, longings, sexual desire, cravings, everything over to HIM. But so often we stop there and forget the joy, the peace, the AMAZING grace that is so readily available for us, we tend to look at how scary the process will be and forget the wonderful joy and peace it will produce.

Now you may think I have completely gone off on a bunny trail, but I think all of these points are oh so important for a life of purity, whether it may be your heart, mind, soul, or sexual. First, we must throw off the old man and all his desires and put on the new man, whose heart longs to follow the will of His maker.

When we have the kind of love that we should for our Father -an all-consuming love- the comes to the desire for the relationship with Him -communion and fellowship- then comes the surrender to his will. And I believe out of that then comes the desire for obedience to His plan for our lives.

Now I say all of that to say this, (and now I am specifically talking about sexual purity). Purity is a life long journey, something that has to be maintained with a very careful hawkeye, ALWAYS on guard, because our enemy is on the prowl ready to strike when you are at your weakest, and then he will make his move.

Talking from personal experience the struggle is very real, very hard, but oh so worth the battle. When there is no barrier of sin standing in the way of our communion with our Heavenly Father we can then have a very deep intimate relationship with Him, and be on fire for Jesus. And this is exactly what our enemy does not want. But oh let me tell you when you refuse to give in to what the devil says will be fun and rewarding, and give your body to the one it truly belongs to, the rewards will be out of this world (quite literally) you will be blessed by saying "no" to your flesh and it will give you fresh strength and courage to keep saying "no" in the future.

When living a maintained purity life you will be able to look back and see what your heavenly Father has redeemed you from, and how faithful He always was and will be. He loves us so much and He gave us the greatest gift of all time, His Son to die so that we can have a pure and Holy relationship with Him! Praise God!!!!

So if ever it comes to be extremely hard to keep maintaining that pure life, always remember that it is for His Honor and Glory, He created us for relationship, so that we would love Him in return, and maintaining a pure life in all aspects of our lives, we will have that wonderful unobstructed communion with our Heavenly Father and through that our lives will be a living testimony of what our Savior can do, and that will bring Him Honor and Glory.

Readers, because no matter who you are or what you have been through a maintained pure life is possible. I am not saying you will never fall, because we are human, but that's when you get right back up dust yourself off, ask forgiveness, and continue walking in the light of God's wonderful grace and forgiveness- because HE is able.

Dog Pictures 2017

So I was looking at pictures that I took of my dogs years ago and realized I don't take as many pictures anymore, so I decided tonight to do a photo shoot and I am very pleased with the results!!

All of them behaving so well after about 100 other photos ;)

Matilda my precious girl (6 years old)

Duke my handsome buddy (5 years old)

Madeline my sweet girl (7 months old)

We took this picture for Matilda's birthday on August 29th (mother and daughter)

This girl LOVES sticks. This was on our walk tonight she will walk around with a random stick in her mouth all the time

Great is Thy Faithfulness!

Great is Thy Faithfulness”
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
[Refrain]
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

[Refrain]

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

How often do you take the  time to look back on your life and thank God for his amazing faithfulness in your life? This past weekend I was in VA visiting some very good friends of mine and we were discussing life and what God has done for us in the past and how those past experiences have prepared us for the trials we are facing today.

In the beginning of this year I went through one of the hardest trials in my life thus far and I struggled very hard to see God’s love at work in my life, but from previous experience I knew that He is good and He is always at work in my life for my good and for His glory.

The lyrics that are written above are thanking God for His faithfulness in  the midst of every season of life, whether it was a time of want or a time of plenty God wants us to thank and praise Him. But how in the midst of a trial when we are already struggling to breathe do we sing a song of praise? We remember that God is faithful. Always. And that He promised we would never walk alone. Always remember he is there with you in the middle of the storm.

So go out this week, Praise Him because He is good, and because He loves you always. And most of all for His Faithfulness!!

Until Next Time